Lost Without a Trace
by ullabloom
Summary: You would think the Blooms are the perfect couple, but 3 years (and one daughter) later, they wonder if they should end their relationship, and they seek help from their friends... ...They also end up in a lot of trouble
1. Chapter 1- Certain if i fall in love

Hi!

**This is my first story, so please, be gentle. Please review!**

** Ullabloom**

"Leo! Leopold Bloom, you have a lot of explaining to do!"

The beautiful Swedish woman, Ulla Inga-Hansen-Bensen-Yonsen-Tallen-Hallen-Svaden-Swanson-Bloom yelled to her husband, as she entered Max Bialystock's and Leo Bloom's lavish New York office. She held Mia Inga-Hansen-Bensen-Yonsen-Tallen-Hallen-Svaden-Swanson-Bloom, her three year old child, by the hand. Knowing what Ulla was like when angry, Leo clutched his blue blanket from his pocket.

"Leo, why didn't you pick up little Mia from daycare today? I am zick and tired ov your attitude. I understand you and Max are busy, but I need some 'me time' now and then!" she screamed in her thick Swedish accent. "Oh, hello, Maxy" she cooed to Max Bialystock, the third wheel in her and Leo's relationship. "Hi, Dear, I don't mind…" he replied, gazing at her magnificent knockers. "Thank you!" chirped Ulla as she turned to Leo. "I should have known better than to svend my _eleven o'clock hour_ with somvone I virk with! Virst Sing-sing, now this!"

Leo brought his blanket up to his face, and then confronted his wife. "Look, Ulla, you haven't exactly done your part with Mia, either. Can't you see she's uncomfortable getting up at 5:00 a.m every day…" he gulped. _Shut up! YOU CAN'T MAKE HER MAD! _ He thought. "ARE YOU TRYING TO CRITICIZE THE MORNING ROUTINE?!" Ulla asked, angrily. She then fell into a heap on the floor, crying. "Mama, are you okay?" Mia asked her. There was no reply. Soon enough, Mia was crying too. "See this, kid?" Max said to Leo. "This is exactly why you do not get married. Ya have to deal with this every day for the rest of your life. Since I'm the middle-aged bachelor your kid calls 'Uncle Max', this is not of my concern. You made this mess, so…"

"But Max…I didn't…" Leo tried to respond

"Zip it! This is a _woman_ you are dealing with! You made this mess, so fix it… Remember, when a woman is involved, it is _always your fault!_" and with that, Max ran out the office door, slamming it behind him.

Leo crouched down, trying to apologize to his wife. "I'm sorry, Ulla… how can I make you forgive me?" he glanced at the clock on the wall. "It's almost noon…47 minutes late…"

She immediately stopped crying. "Ve need a break." She said, softly. "I cannot do this anymore…I am going to stay in the village. I can get an apartment in Franz's building…there is something about a man in lederhosen…" Leo stared at her, motionless. Was she really leaving him…for Franz? When Mia settled down, Ulla grabbed her by the hand and said "come, my little starlet…we are leaving. God dag pa dig, Mr. Bloom!" Mia glanced at her father woefully as she and her mother left the office.

Leo went into hysterics. When Max came back, he was on the floor, spinning in a circular motion. "Oh God," Max mumbled. He stood over Leo, trying to observe his position. "YOU'RE GONNA JUMP ON ME! YOU'RE GONNA JUMP ON ME AND SQUASH ME LIKE A BUG! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME!" Leo screamed. Max knew the drill. He went to his desk, sat down, and flashed a phony smile. When he calmed down, Leo told Max everything. When he finished, Max asked "So you've been going at it for 2 hours?" No reply. Leo put on his "Broadway Producer's hat", and left the office to go home to his vacant Manhattan apartment.


	2. Chapter 2- Keep It Gay!

**Hi!**

**Sorry my 1****st**** one was so short. This one isn't much longer. **** THANK YOU, PamEargle for commenting. BTW, please write more of **_**The Queen of Broadway! **_**I need to know what happens next! **

**Please follow, favorite, and review!**

** Ullabloom**

Ulla was not one to be trifled with. Underneath that sexy, sweet, kind exterior, was a tough-as-nails and short tempered, typical mean girl. Before she went to the village, she stopped by the house of renowned theatrical director Roger DeBris, and it was (believe the coincidence or not) a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. She was greeted by Carmen Ghia, his strange "common law assistant".

"Yessssssssssssssssssssssssss sssss…Ah, Mrs. Bloom, how have you been keeping?" asked Carmen. "And you, Miss Mia, give your uncle Carmen a big hug!" Mia didn't let go of her mother. Carmen chuckled. "Oh, I see. You don't remember me! I babysat for you…last year?" Mia whispered into Ulla's ear. When she finished, Ulla went over to Carmen and slapped him across the face. "You DROPPED my daughter?!" she yelled as Carmen fell. "Oh my god," she started "I'm sorry, Carmen…I've been in a very bad mood since…Oh, I need to talk to you about it. Is Roger home?"

"Yes, why?"

Ulla turned to Mia. "My lilla, do you vant to play vith Uncle Roger vhile I talk vith Carmen?" "Yes, Mama." Replied Mia. "I love Uncle Roger!" She then ran upstairs to his office, where she would always find him and his production team.

"Why do children _hate_ me?" cried Carmen. "Please," said Ulla. "I need to talk to someone."

"Sit on the couch. This way, pleeaassse…" Carmen's voice trailed off as he led her to their large sofa in the living room. Finally, Ulla began her tale. "As soon as I laid my eyes on Leo, I knew that ve vere going to fall in love. There was someting different about him…I thought it vas a sign…or something that told me that I had _found my soulmate._ Ve ran off to Rio, got married, and in a year, had Mia…Ve began to grow apart over the years. I vas trying to svend some time with my dotter, but vith Leo, it vas alvays _Maim this and Katz that. _It was all virk, virk, virk, he even vorgot about our morning routine! So now…I left. I am going to stay at Mr. Liebkind's building. But I don't know if I should go back or not! Vat do you think, Carmen? You and Roger have been together for a long time. I heard about your relationship through Max."

"Oh, Ulla," Carmen started "Love is a very peculiar thing. One can trick you into thinking that you _do _love him, and another can trick you the other way around. You love Leo, don't you? Your heart decides where you'll go from here. If I were you, I would go back to him. He loves you, and your child. You can raise her with both parents, and trust me, you won't find a man like him again…I know…" when he said that, he immediately covered his mouth. "I mean, vice versa…with women…what do you mean 'been together'?!...no! I work for…FINE! You know! Roger and I are to be wed next month! It's _true! _We _are_ FRUITS!"

"You mean you didn't come out yet?" said Ulla. Roger came down the staircase, carrying Mia. "Carmen! Mia wants to dress up as the grand duchess Anastasia…where is the crown I-"

Carmen jumped from the couch, and ran to him. "She _knows!_ _Ulla knows! _And she says that_ other people know!_" When Roger heard the words "other people", he fainted right on the spot, dropping the little girl into Carmen's arms. He walked down, and tried to dismiss Ulla. "I think it's best that you leave…he'll be down for quite a while. We tried to be as subtle as possible. Ta-ta, belle dame." He lowered the child. "And Mia, darling, please, it was an accident. I'm sorry." The child hugged him, and she and Ulla walked out of the living room, left the mansion, and went into the streets.

Ulla thought about what Carmen had said. Her thoughts were disorganized. _Love is a very peculiar thing..._ _Leo…One can trick you… Your heart decides where you'll go from here…As subtle as possible… a very peculiar thing...heart decides… As subtle as possible…getting married…Leo…_

She and Mia stepped into a taxi. "61 Jane Street, please" she told the bus driver. "Mama…" said Mia. "Where are we going?"

Ulla frowned and looked out the window. "Our new home."


	3. Chapter 3- Along Came Bialy

**IT'S MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

**Sorry it took me so long to make a new chapter. Please review, follow, and favorite.**

Leo was alone. That night, he had dinner-alone, watched _I Love Lucy _on his new television set-alone, and went to bed-alone. He showed no emotion. He kept the same expression on his face-one of complete woe and detestation. He didn't know what to do about his wife. _When a woman is involved, it is always your fault!_ He thought. Max was right. He would try to find Ulla and apologize to her-right after he left work. He was already running behind.

When he entered the office, he saw something he thought he would only see when they were funding for a production. A game of "The Distracted Tourist and the Ever-Watchful Orangutan". With Hold me-Touch me, one of Max's investors. Leo waited. He waited for her to finally stop pretending that she was a tourist being mauled by a well-hung monkey. He watched. Well, she and Max were fully clothed, but still, a married man, looking up a little old lady's dress? It was highly inappropriate. When it ended, Hold me-Touch me handed Max a check, and hobbled out the office door, not even noticing Leo. "What was _that?"_ Leo asked. Max looked up from his desk. "Oh, you're here. That's for me to know, and you to find out after we have a little talk." He beckoned Leo to the couch, and talked to him when he sat down. "Something's bugging you, kid, and I wanna know what it is." No response.

"It's her, isn't it? You got it all wrong! Women are like, like, fountains! After a child, they're always ready to explode, and shoot up into the sky!"

"They're like fountains?"

"Yes, they're like fountains! And that is why I left Ginger…I needed to show her that I was the master, the patriarch, the bigger person. And you, my good man, should do the same. I started playing the field…dating hundreds of girls at once…and they all found out. Rule number 42 of the dating world: when playing the field, never date girls in the same sorority, and/or sororities. Anyway, after that, I started getting with girls of a different age group. Little old ladies, looking to Max Bialystock for one last thrill, on their way to the cemetery. And look at what it did to me!" He took the check out of his pocket. "$2000, made in 10 short minutes! And you're just short of 40! Just imagine what you could make! I am going to book you a date with Yank me-Spank me! Welcome to Little-old-lady-land!" Max hugged Leo, who was now in a state of shock. "I'm glad we had this talk…oh, and about the money, I'm using it to pay for your date at Sardi's! Now, let's talk _High Button Jews. _How about a tour? It's at high demand!"

They didn't say anything about their "discussion" for the rest of the day. Leo couldn't listen to him. He was going to apologize to her.

He had no idea what he was in for when he arrived at 61 Jane Street.


	4. Chapter 4- That Face

**HEY, PEOPLE!**

**Chapter time! This one's about how Ulla reacts when Leo finds her, and…well, you'll just have to read the whole thing! Happy reading!**

** Ullabloom**

Ulla was not really a bad person. Her attitude was what 4 years of matrimony and motherhood did to her. She knocked on Franz Liebkind's door. She was lucky. It was one of the few times when he was actually _in _his apartment. "Hilga! No vlying in ze house!" he yelled, before he answered the door. When she saw his large, clunky boots, Ulla acted perky, and looked him straight in the eye.

"Mr. Liebkind," she whispered. "I need somevun to stay vith vor a couple of nights…"

"Nein, Mrs. Bloom, but I vould be breaking ze Siegfried Oath if I vere to let a _Svede _into my home…"

Ulla was confused as to whether she should slap him, or kiss him. She needed a place to stay, so she grabbed the door, and slowly said "A svede, who loves you!" She fell on the floor, and Franz picked her up. She kissed him…for a long time. The little girl with them watched in horror. When the two finally stopped, Franz let the girls in, made them dinner, and made a bed for Mia. Ulla's plan worked.

Leo appeared at 61 Jane Street the next day with a bouquet of Tulips, Roses, and Lilacs (all Ulla's favorites) in hand. He knocked on the door, and saw her, in a skimpy gown.

"Oh, hello, Mr. Bloom. I vasn't expecting company. I was just tending to the birds…_with Franz. _I've grown accustomed to Adolph and Hilga.."

Leo couldn't believe what she was saying. She always hated those birds! She continued. "I just vish I could enjoy their company every day…oh, that's right: _I vill, because I am not falling for your tricks again!" _Just as she was about to slam the door, Leo tried to convince her.

"Ulla, Baby, Sweetheart, please! Give me another chance! I've been selfish, and work-obsessed, and…and when I'm around you, I just turn into some babbling idiot-"

"You've been a babbling idiot all your life!"

"Honey, I just want to start over!"

"_What do you mean?! _It is too late to start over, Leo! We have a daughter!"

"And where is she?"

"In her room, probably waking up from her nap!"

Leo paused, and asked her: "How would you like to be our secretary-slash-receptionist?"

Ulla was about to lash out at him-but then she remembered.

Finally she responded. "Secretary-slash-receptionist?"

He waited for an answer.

"Okie-slash-dokie…"

"And while I'm still here, how'd you like to come with me to Sardi's Friday night?"

She started tearing up. "Yes…Ulla vould like that."

"Do Ulla no like Bloom? Bloom like Ulla…"

"Ulla like Bloom alright, maybe a bit too much…"

He left.

Mia came running to the door. "Mama, Mama! Daddy came! Where is he going?"

"He's going home, Mia…and so are we."


	5. Chapter 5- Betrayed

**Hi.**

**I'm taking a new approach now. No enthusiasm, just a "Hi." BELIEVE IT! It probably won't last! Ok, this one's about what happens when Friday comes… .Duuuuunnn! Happy reading!**

** Ullabloom**

Friday came, and Leo felt like he was at the top of the world. He figured it would be like old times. Just him, his wife, some food, some candlelight…it would be perfect. He was talking with Max in the office.

"Preparing for your night with _her?_" said Max.

Leo turned to him. He hadn't told him about it yet. "How did you know?"

"How did I know? I arranged it!"

Leo didn't know what he was talking about. "Alright… so, what do you think I should wear to dinner tonight? Well, that's a stupid question. Suit…She hates wearing white when eating out, god knows why, so what color should it be?"

"What are ya talking about, she loves white, she loves it almost as much as she loves to play the Rabbi and the Contortionist!"

"Max, what are you talking abo-" Before he could finish, he remembered. Yank me-Spank me! Friday at Sardi's! Ulla, Friday at Sardi's. "Max, you're talking about Ulla, right? Please tell me you are."

"Oh my god, kid. No! You never told me, so I never cancelled the date! Ok, ok, maybe she forgot! Yeah, she's a confused old woman! So get dressed, go with Ulla, and go by the name of 'Estonia Henderson' tonight! It'll be fine!"

Leo did as he was told. It wasn't fine.

He picked up Ulla at Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse. She was in a white gown, the one from 4 years ago. "What happened to Franz?" Leo asked, suspiciously.

She began. "Oh, zince I got back together vith you, he figured he couldn't trust me, so he kicked us out,"

"He what?!"

"But I vought back. Vor a Vorld Var 2 Veteran, he has very veak arms and legs."

"I love you, you know that?"

"Mr. Bloom, it's only the virst date! But come to think ov it, I alvays have the virst kiss then…"

You know the rest…or so you think!

She leaned in to kiss him, but he stopped her. "Let's just go to dinner…" he said as she backed away.

_The nerve of him! _Ulla thought. _It's because of him that I'm dressing up in white! It's not easy wearing a dress that's a size too small!_

When they finally arrived, he asked for his table. He was not surprised when the maître 'D asked:

"Didn't you make a reservation for a party of _two?_"

Leo couldn't believe it. "Excuse me?"

"Who is this third person?"

"Third person?"

"The girl, blonde, white dress, double D, you walked in with her! The one next to you!"

Ulla was enraged. "I am a single C! Leo, vat is this man talking about?"

The waiter kept talking. "There is an old woman waiting for a 'Bloom' at table 6. By the name of 'Henderson'"

Ulla immediately knew who "Estonia Henderson" was. She turned to Leo, and slapped him. "You! Dirty, lying rat! Trying to have dinner vith _me and Yank me-Spank me at the zame time?! _I am your vife, Leo. And I am not doing this vor you, but vor Mia! And if you cannot prove to me that I can trust you, then ve shouldn't continue this! God dag pa dig, Leopold!"

She ran out of the restaurant in tears.

Leo had no other choice but to sit with Estonia for _two hours, _all spent on a conversation about her cats. When it was finally over, he got into a cab, went home, and spent the night crying.

Ulla told Carmen everything. "That cheating, no-good, double-crossing brute!" he said. "Ruin him, publically humiliate him! He needs to pay!"

"Carmen, I appreciate your conzern, but I'm fine, trust me…" (In her heart, she knew she wasn't fine. She was heartbroken.)

"You're sure?"

"Yesss…" (Her banter was useless. It didn't change the fact that she and Leo were done.)

"Fine…just don't tell Roger. He is the most overbearing person there is. He'll make sure something terrible happens to him."

Ulla sighed and told Carmen, "I'm very tired. Is Mia in bed yet?"

As soon as she said that, she heard the voice of her little girl. "I'm here, Mama!" she chirped. Mia ran to her mother, and asked, "When are we going home?"

Ulla paused. "Vell, now that I know who your father really is…never."

"Mama, no! Don't keep me away from daddy!"

"Mia, go to bed! This is not of your concern! Ve are staying here! And if you don't like our new home, then you can live on the street!"

The girl went to bed, and so did Ulla. _I'm a horrible person _she thought, as she cried herself to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6- When You Got It, Flaunt It!

**Yo, Yo, Yo! **

**Whaddup, people? I told you it wouldn't last! Ok, let's get down to business…this chapter's about what happens to Ulla after the "date" (WARNING: if you haven't read Chapter 5 yet, DON'T READ THIS CHAPTER YET!). Happy reading!**

** Ullabloom**

When she woke up, Ulla felt as if a part of her had died-but another one had come back to life. She was _single_ again. A _free woman. _Free. Single. Those two words repeated in her mind. She then realized-she didn't have any friends. Well, at least no friends in _America_. She just wasn't "relatable" to typical New Yorkers. Sure, she was pretty, and tall, and young (or so we think), but other than her looks, there was nothing anyone else wanted to talk about with her. It was as if she casted a spell on anyone she wanted to have an _intelligent conversation _with. She hated it. There was only one person she knew that would really _listen to her_ as a friend. Carmen.

After an hour of debating, and re-debating, and re-re-debating, Ulla decided that she didn't care what Leo thought. So what? He couldn't tell her what to do. She was a _free woman. _What's more…She was Ulla, and she was fabulous.

At 11:00, she found herself shopping at R. H. Macy and Company. Carmen was there with her. "Oh, Ulla, you would look amazing in these Mary Janes!" said Carmen as they passed by the shoe section. Ulla tried almost everything in the store on, and it took her 10 minutes just to try on that pair of shoes. She tried to drown her sorrows in the joy of buying new clothes; in other words: she spent $946 at Macy's that day… and today, it would add up to $9,352,956.74! She went too far. She realized it wasn't working. _I can't take it anymore!_ She thought. She realized that she needed him. Leo was her world. But she immediately changed her mind. She kept thinking; her mind kept ping-ponging: _I love him…I hate him…I love him…I can't stand him…I don't care! I have Mia…and I have Carmen! I'm tired of this…I'm tired of __**me!**_

And so, that day, after debating, and re-debating, and re-re-debating, Ulla re-invented herself. She looked in the mirror, and saw Ursula, an _American girl_, 10 times more seductive than Ulla ever was. She had new clothes, so all she had to do was work on her characteristics. Would she be mysterious? Serious? Aggressive? It was all up to her! One thing would be certain: she wouldn't give a damn about _Leo, _or what he had to say about her! The only thing about her that stayed the same was her job. What can you do? Fact is: you need a job to get money, and you need money to survive. At 11:00 the next day, she went to work. "Good morning Mr. Bloom." Ulla said, without the accent.

Leo looked up from his desk and saw her. His mouth hung open. His heart raced. He couldn't believe his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7- Where Did He Go Wrong?

**Howdy do, humans?**

**Me again. Ok, I don't want to sound self-asserting, but can someone **_**please **_**spread the word about my writing? I'm trying to get more readers. PamEargle and I can't be the only people who read producers fanfic. Thanks again! And PamEargle, thanks again for commenting! I appreciate your continued support. Now…let's get down to business! All I can say to you is that if you haven't read the last 2 chapters, this one won't make sense. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! THINK BEFORE YOU CLICK! Happy reading!**

** Ullabloom**

"Ulla, is that _you?_"

She stood there, in the doorway, her hand on her hip. Leo was convinced he was looking at a different person. One with chestnut-brown hair…in a _beehive...with a faux leopard fur hat…_and tanned skin, wearing a Chanel suit, nothing like the peplum dresses she usually wore. _Ursula _said nothing as she went to her desk and put her purse down. The purse was new, too. Faux leopard fur, matching her hat. Nothing like the tapestry pettipoint handbags she carried around. Visually, she was completely different. Leo wondered if she was still the same girl on the inside. "Ulla, why?" he asked. "This isn't you! I want the old you back…"

She no longer spoke with an accent. She turned to him. "Mr. Bloom," she said in her fake voice. "I can assure you that we have not known each other since you offered me this job. Who are _you_ to tell _me _who _I _am? I appreciate the employment. Thank you very much."

"But, Ulla-"

"Ursula."

"This is an act! New clothes are fine, but you can't just go by a new name-"

"Thank you very much, Mr. Bloom!"Ulla yelled before she paused and cooled off. "And where should I say Mr. Bialystock is?"

"I'm here, darling!" Max said as he heard her voice. He came out of the bathroom in a suit. Had he been _listening to them?_

"Um…You look a little…_different_ today…" he stammered, staring at her hair.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Mr. Bialystock. I believe that I have always dressed in similar clothes."

"Uh-huh."

"And even if I didn't, it's nice to try new things.

"Am I the only one who thinks you _sound _different?"

Ulla didn't want to be asked again. Roger and Carmen almost reached her breaking point. "Look," she started. "I am FINE. Absolutely FINE! Do I need to reassure EVERYONE?!"

Max looked at her in surprise. _What was going on? _Max didn't know what to do with her. _She must be doing it for some role…_ he thought. _She would never act this way…not with us…it's not her…_

Ulla's eyes widened and filled with tears. "Oh, God! Please forgive me, Mr. Bialystock! I—I had a rough day, yesterday! I just can't-I'm so sorry!"

"No, don't worry about it, honey! It's fine. We all have off days. Now, we have a lot of work to do today, so we need you to get a head-start on that paperwork."

She obeyed. The day progressed, and around 1:00 p. m. the office received a phone call from _Roger's _house. There was no caller ID, but in the background, there was the faint sound of the identifying notes of "I Feel Pretty"-it was the doorbell.

Ulla handed the phone to Leo. "It's for _you._" She said with obvious annoyance. Leo heard the voice of his little girl on the other end. "Daddy, what's going on? Mommy's dressing different, and talking…normal, and-"

Leo couldn't talk about the matter anymore. Clearly, there was nothing he could do. "Mia, I don't have the time. I'll talk to you when I get home."

"When are me and Mommy coming home? When, Daddy?"

Leo didn't answer. Ulla did for him. She snatched the phone away from him and talked to Mia. Leo listened to Ulla ranting, and Mia fighting back on the other end.

"What do you want now?"

"Mommy, make up with him!"

"No! Forget it! We are very busy today, and we do not need to be bothered by _you._"

Then they started talking in Swedish.

"Slyna!" yelled Mia

Ulla was shocked by her daughter's use of that word. "Vad sa du?"

"Du förstör mitt liv!"

"Käften!"

"Du kan inte tala om för mig vad jag ska göra!"

"Käften!"

"Du käften!"

"Jag hatar dig! Din lilla kärring! Lämna mig ifred! Adjö! Håll käft! ADJÖ! VAR TYST!"

She slammed down the receiver and turned to Leo. "Let's make sure you remember," she started (in English), "after what you did to me, we are never 'making up'!"

Now Max was trying to interfere. "What, exactly, did he do?"

"Not now, Max!" Ulla yelled.

"Fine…"

"How many other women have you done this to?"

"Ulla you don't understand! He-"

"Not now, Max!"

"I'm just trying to tell you-!"

"SHUT UP! Pay me less if you want Max, but I am leaving! Good day!"

"But Ulla, it's not his-"

"I said good day!" And with that, she was out of the office.

"Leo, I'm so sorry." Said Max. "I started this mess, and-"

Leo was enraged. "Yes! It's _YOUR FAULT!"_

Max tried to approach him. "Leo, I'm-"

"Get away from me! This is all your fault! YOUR FAULT MY WIFE THINKS I'M SOME LYING BASTARD! I'm going after her." He left the office, and got on a taxi to Roger's house. Max suddenly had an idea. A _brilliant _idea. He picked up the phone, and dialed _Estonia Henderson's number._


	8. Chapter 8- Can They Do It?

**Greetings, inhabitants of the third planet to the sun!**

**First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH PamEargle for dedicating her fic to me! It means a lot!**

**Let's get down to biz! I created this chapter in bed, watching**_** The Producers **_**for the 17 zillionth time! By now, you probably have a lot of questions. Is it REALLY Max's fault? Will Leo make amends with Ulla? Will little Mia turn out alright? And what. Is. Up. With Ulla's hair? 1 of these questions will be answered in this chapter. But, no, it won't be whether or not Leo and Ulla make up. Which one? READ! AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF! Happy reading! **

** Ullabloom**

Leo was enraged. Ulla was enraged. Mia was enraged. Max was enraged. Basically, EVERYONE WAS ENRAGED! Who was the most enraged? It's hard to tell, considering everyone was enraged for different reasons.

You know Leo's plight. He had to deal with an angry wife, thinking she had been cheated on by him. It was the plot to the beginning of almost every rom-com today. But, there was no happy ending in sight.

Ulla was enraged because-well, how would you feel if your husband cheated on you? It's not fun.

Mia was just plain confused. She called her mother a slut that day. (If you haven't bothered to Google it, that's what "slyna" means.) She loved her parents dearly, but she was just so mad. She wanted to attack Ulla, and come crying to her at the same time. She didn't know what this feeling was called.

Max was shocked by what he heard on the phone. "Oh, we did _more _than just talk, Maxie!" Yank me-Spank me said. "I haven't felt that _alive _in years! He **really **knows what he's doing!"

Max didn't believe it. He _couldn't! _Leo, with some 83 year old? Impossible. Not in a million millennium to the second power. Cubed. Squared. DOUBLED. That's how long it would take Leo before he would even_ think _about something like that. He would NEVER do that to Ulla. Would he?

…

She was in her room, trying to disassemble all her scrapbooks. Pictures of them in Rio? In the pile. Picture of them on Leo's birthday? In the pile. Mia's first picture with them?

In the book.

She heard the doorbell, and went downstairs. Leo remembered that he had a spare key. He was already standing by the door when she reached the first floor. "Get. Out." She said, although she knew he wouldn't leave.

Leo tried to recover. "Ulla, I-"

"Get out."

"It's not my fault!"

"Get out."

"Listen to me!"

"GET OUT! I can press charges against you for breaking in here! You want to see me, wait until tomorrow." She paused. "Forget it. Forget everything! You can find yourself another secretary-slash-receptionist. I quit."

"If you would just listen to me, I-"

"You heard me. Get out, or I call the cops. I can easily make up a story."

Leo didn't move.

Ulla picked up the phone and pretended to dial a number._ She's out of her mind! _Leo thought.

"Hello?" she said, giving little gasps between words. "Yes…There is a person in my house…no, I don't _know _him! Are you crazy?...Yes, he is armed…yes…I need help…should I stay on the-" she then screamed and slammed down the receiver.

Leo rolled his eyes. Ulla would never call the police on him. She wouldn't dare.

She turned to Leo. "Now's your chance…get out."

He didn't move.

"Hope you like Sing-Sing…again."

He didn't move. He knew she was lying. About the phone call, about her feelings…everything. "Tell me why, Ulla. Max set me up with that woman. If that's what you're mad at me for, just know that it never happened."

Ulla stared at him for a while, and finally responded. "I want to hear that from her."

…

"What do you mean 'more'?"

"Oh, Maxie, you just called 5 minutes ago. _Jealous?_"

"What are you talking about?!"

"YOU want to see more of ME! Don't worry, I'm still limber. How about tomorrow? I'm a Monday person. B-bye, Bialy!"

Max grimaced as the line went dead. He didn't have a witness for Leo, and he had to spend _his Monday_ with Yank me-Spank me! He was overcome with shame and guilt. He got emotional thinking about what would happen to his colleague. I know what you're thinking. Max, get emotional? It was true. (I wrote this, and even I'm shocked.)

_It's true! _he thought. _It __**is**__ my fault! I set them up! I thought that he needed help!_

Max was torturing himself. It wasn't really his fault. What caused him to think Leo needed help? The Blooms' problems. This was strictly a problem between Leo and Ulla. Ulla just thought she was mad at Leo for another reason. But, when she was angry, men had NO IDEA what she was capable of. What would she think when Estonia gives her that _completely wrong_ information? That is, if Ulla ever talked to her again. She was never going back to work. Now what? Where was Max going to find another pretty, foreign secretary-slash-receptionist? Ulla had a special place in Max and Leo's hearts. She was irreplaceable…

Unless…

Another light bulb went off in Max's head. Could he really _replace _Ulla? YES! He could, if he went on with the most far-fetched idea since the great 2-million dollar scheme. He picked up the phone again, and called Franz. His cousin was in town…

Hilga.


	9. Chapter 9- Waiting To Be Had

**H-to the-I!**

**PamEargle is probably my most faithful reader. This fic is getting more attention than I thought it would. It's nice to know that someone out there actually **_**reads and enjoys **_**your writing. If you like this fic, and/or The Producers in general, I highly recommend **_**The Queen of Broadway **_**from Pam. She inspired me to write this story. Thank you so much! *smile***

**Chapter time. In this chapter, Max tries to hire Franz's cousin at the office. I've already said too much, so go-and I cannot stress this enough-READ!**

** Ullabloom**

Typical German.

Average height. Fair skin. Redhead. Freckles. Accent.

"Vy do you vant me to vork at your office all of a sudden? I asked Franz if you vere hiring, and he said, 'No gurls. Zey have enough vemen in ze office already!' Vat do you vant, Mister Bialystock?"

Hilga stared at him, her arms folded and her brow furrowed. She wanted answers.

Max couldn't go on. "Are you dating anyone?"

Her expression changed from tense to perplexed. "I should say not."

"Ok, that's great! Listen, my colleague's wife was our secretary and receptionist, but she's leaving him, and her post, so, we need another pretty, foreign girl to-"

"Excuse me! To _what?_"

"To take his mind off her, but you'll be working, here and-"

"Sie denken, dass ich gerade dabei, dies zu akzeptieren?"

"I was hoping you would!"

"Nein!"

Max reached out to hold her hand. "Look, Hilga, sweetheart, please understand-!"

"Wage es nicht Ihre Hände auf mir, du Geier setzen!"

"No, no! I'm not a vulture, I'm an understanding person!"

"Sie betrügerische Tierchen!"

She started to leave.

"You're hired! Can you start tomorrow?"

"Ich bin angestellt? Ich würde lieber ins Gefängnis gehen ... und hängen! Filthy animal!" she said as she neared the door.

"TEN dollars an hour!" Max shouted, trying to convince her.

She froze. Then turned. "_Ten dollars an hour!_" she yelled, with obvious enthusiasm. She trotted back to her seat and asked Max: "So, vat do you vant me to do, _boss? _I can answer ze telephone, vile papervork, anyzing. Sure, I can start tomorrow. Bye-bye, Mr. Bialystock! I knew my annoying little bruder vas lying. Ta-ta!"

Yep. You always have them at ten dollars. Max really didn't think this through, but if Leo can fall in love with Ulla after a couple of months, he could do it with Hilga.

Boy, was he wrong! The next day, Leo showed up at work to find the _new_, redheaded girl sitting in Ulla's chair. Leo was shocked. How dare she try to impersonate her! She was even mimicking the way she talked! "Bialystock'n'Bloom," she chirped as someone called the office phone. He didn't care who she was, or why she was there. He wanted _**her**_ out. _**Immediately**_.

"What kind of a sick joke is _this_?" he asked Max.

"Leo, I was just trying-"

"I don't need your help. I don't _want_ your help. Just get her out."

"Face it! She isn't coming back, so-"

"Just…get…_**her**_…out!"

Hilga started talking. "Mr. Bloom, I am your new Ulla…whoever she is. I know you need somevun to 'take your mind off her', and I need an extra ten dollars in my geldbeutel…if you know vat I mean! Now, take me, and I vill see if you are as vunderful as Mr. Bialystock says you are!"

Hilga grabbed Leo's face and started kissing him.

Ulla was mad at herself. She tried to forget about what Leo did to her, and was soon in a taxi. She was going to work. So what if she quit? They knew her and loved her. She could easily get her job back. And, she needed the extra cash. They were paying her ten dollars an hour! When Hilga and Leo's lips touched, it just so happened that the time was 11:13. Ulla took out her key, opened the door, and found Leo and some redhead lip-locking.

Her mouth dropped open.

"What is _that_?" she asked. Leo and Hilga immediately stopped. Then everyone started talking at once.

"I don't know!"

"She's a friend."

"_That?"_

"I don't know her!"

"She's Franz's cousin."

"Vait a minute…you're ze gurl!"

"_Vat gurl?!"_

"I don't know what she's talking about!"

"Ulla, he's not doing what it looks like he's doing. I'm doing everything!"

"Are you zaying I'm fired?"

"SHUT UP!"

Ulla ran out the door and down to the lobby. She started bawling. With her out of sight, Hilga went back to kissing her very confused boss.

Leo knew this wasn't going to get better. This was going to get worse.

_Much worse._


	10. Chapter 10- Hilga Vows REVENGE

**HEY! What's up?**

**Sorry this chapter came a little late. I needed to get my schoolwork out of the way. THANK GOD FOR SPRING BREAK! Anyway, in chapter 9, there were a lot of things going on. We left Ulla on the lobby floor, crying, and Leo and Hilga kissing. Let's see what happens next. Please note: this chapter is really short. Happy Reading!**

** Ullabloom**

She wouldn't let go.

She passionately let her lips entwine with his. He tried to fight it, but she wouldn't let him. "Vorget about her," she whispered. "You have me! Take me!"

He pushed her away, and went to Max. "You just don't know _when _to stop, do you?" asked Leo. "Stay out of it. You're just adding to my problem."

Max looked at him contritely. "I didn't mean-"

"You never mean anything. You just do things. It's almost as if you **want **to jeopardize my marriage."

Leo ran down to the lobby. Hilga courtly crossed over to Max's desk. "Vlet's get this over vith." She started. "You pay me to kiss boy. Vhere's my ten dollars?"

Max widened his eyes. "Listen, you little pollute! I never said 'I pay you to kiss boy'! That woman, the one that came in here, is his wife. I said I'll pay you if you work here. That's how employment works! You can't just demand money after your first twenty minutes on the job. You're fired. Go find some other office to work in.

"Who says you have the right to fire me on the first day?"

"Baby doll, I don't know how they did things in Dusseldorf or wherever, but I want you out of my office. Now!"

Hilga sashayed to her desk, picked up her things, and trotted to the door. She turned to Max. "No severance?" she asked.

Max pointed to the door.

"Oh, Maxie," the girl replied, coming to him. "You need to give me a second chance. Please?"

"Out."

"Vine, but you're making a very big mistake. Franz and I are family. Immediate family."

"He told me you were cousins."

"My vather, his vather. Vat's the difference? He's your go-to playwright. I can convince him to stop vorking for you. I'll give you a choice: Severance, or job?"

"Get out of my office, Hilga Liebkind. Get out, and don't come back."

"Zay good-bye to your vame and vortune, Mr. Bialystock. Vithout an author, you're nothing." She turned and exited, leaving Max alone.

Max waited in his office for a few minutes, trying to figure out why Hilga was so desperate for money, why he was so stupid, and why Ulla had to come in exactly when Leo and Hilga started kissing. Leo had a very good reason to put all the blame on Max. He thought it was his fault, and it probably was, but it was no time to play the blame game. Max went halfway downstairs to the lobby, and found the feuding couple talking to each other. "Please come back," said Leo. "I need you."

"Then why did you go out with the old cougar? And why did you kiss Shirley Temple up there?" asked Ulla.

"If you'd just let me explain…"

"Fine. I'll come back to work as soon as I get this dye out of my hair."

"What about home?"

"I'll think about it."

They smiled at each other as they stood up. Ulla went out into the streets without another word. Leo ran halfway up the stairs, to where Max was standing. They hugged each other and apologized. At that moment, there was the sound of someone opening the door. A little old lady, with grey hair and a blue dress, stood in the lobby.

Estonia.


	11. Chapter 11- Down to the Station

**Consider this being "Fashionably late"!**

**Guten Tag! Sorry I'm a little behind schedule. (3 days actually…) For those of you who haven't read the note on my profile, I will be updating "Lost Without a Trace", "Don't Feed the Plants!", and "Rent II" every 9 days. Movin' on…Unfortch, spring break ended. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! So, the highlight of my week was nonstop studying. Once again, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But, I'm back! Happy trails to ya!...Yeah, that one's not gonna work. Fine. Let's keep it boring. Happy reading!**

** Ullabloom**

"Darling, wait! Don't move!"

"Bialy, you know you shouldn't move when you're-"

Max rushed her up the stairs. "No time, Hold me-Touch me, no time."

"Hold me-Touch me? That's not my _**play **__name._"

"You just go into the office and wait…while I go light a candle and…do things people do when-"

"But we're in broad daylight!"

"No time! JUST WAIT!"

He shut the door on her, turned around, and saw Leo, his blue blanket in hand, staring.

Max turned red. "I don't have any hope, that's why! You don't have to point it out! Now put that _thing _away so we can find your wife."

He turned as he heard Estonia's voice. "Bialy, I can still here you! If you're really serious-!"

Max turned to Leo. "Okay, new plan. I take care of the drugged old woman, and you go find that foreign girl."

He paused. "You believe this is our life?"

"I try not to think about it," said Leo. He ran out of the building and into the nearest cab. He went to Roger and Carmen's house. He still had the spare key…

He lurked in the corridor, listening to any activity.

Sure enough, Ulla was there, listening to Carmen's advice. "You cannot trust that slimy, manipulative, underhanded, despicable, malicious, backstabbing-!"

Ulla rolled her eyes. "Are you done yet?"

Carmen continued. "The point is, you cannot go back. Take my advice, darling. Take it, put it in a box and keep it by your bedside. You don't need him."

Leo emerged from the hall. "But I need her."

Ulla turned and focused on him intently. She observed his expression. It was one of extreme sternness and worry. It was the expression she loved…the expression she adored…the expression that told her something was going on.

"Leo, vy are you here? I thought ve-"

Leo cut her off. "You need to come with me. Now. I'll show you proof. I'm not lying. Please, Ulla. I need you."

She turned to Carmen. He nodded. Ulla stood and kissed her husband. "I love you…" she whispered, as she started to cry. "I vant to go back, but I don't know if I should. I vant to think I'm in love vith you again. I do, but I can only do that if you be honest vith me. Please tell me you're telling the truth…"

Leo broke down. He started crying hysterically, trying to assure his undying love. Ulla believed him. He took her to the office, and they tried to make Estonia talk.

"You'll never get anything out of me!" she screamed.

"Listen, you old hag!" yelled Ulla. "Talk, or things get ugly!"

"I'll handle this," said Max. "Pookie, if you tell them what you know, I'll invite you over for all of next week."

"Deal," said Estonia. "You're right. The man cheated. We-"

Leo approached her, menacingly. "Tell her the truth, or I'll use your skin to make a handbag!"

Estonia laughed. "Will I come with matching shoes? Please, I can take you anytime."

Max knew drastic measures had to be made. "You can stay overnight, too."

"_**DEAL!**_ I got there early, thinking Maxie set us up for a reason, but no…he just wanted Mama to come over to play…" she turned to Max. "I'll go get a week's worth of clothes, but I'll be back…be ready…ta-ta!"

She left the office, smiling. Max locked the door. He turned around to see the couple with their lips entwined. "I'll never doubt you again!" whispered Ulla, when they finished. "I'll move back in tomorrow."

"Before you do anything," said Max. "I suggest you get that dye out of your hair first."

They all laughed. Their happiness lasted for about…5 minutes. There was a knock at the door. Max rolled his eyes. "Dear god, it's _her_! Why did I say she could stay overnight?"

He answered the door, and found Hilga. Max wasn't surprised. "Ok, Lucy, too late. Blondie's back, and there is no need for you."

Hilga pointed at him. "There he is, Sergeant O'Brien."

A cop came into the office and studied Max. "O'Bialystock! So we meet again! Ok, down to the clink with youse."

Max was confused. "What? Clink? Me? Wh-What did I do?"

"You and your partner, Leopold Bloom. Youse two are under arrest fer bank fraud."

Ulla was alarmed. "Bank vraud?"

So was Leo. "What do you mean 'bank fraud'?! Who told you we committed bank fraud?"

"Anonymous tip." Said the sergeant.

Max, Leo, and Ulla looked at Hilga. They knew it was her. Little did they know that Ulla knew how to get back at that deceitful little German.

Exactly how…


	12. Chapter 12- Prisoners of Jail

**Shalom!**

**Apparently, this whole "Nine days" thing isn't gonna work. Forget everything I said! I write when I write, and that's when I write. Why do I get the feeling that came from somewhere…?**

**In this chapter, there is a reference to another Mel Brooks film. See if you can find it! HINT: Leo has something to do with it. Happy reading!**

** Ullabloom**

"Gotta sing…sing!"

"Gotta sing…_sing!"_

"We are NOT making a revival!"

"LET ME OUT!"

Those were basically the only sounds you heard coming out of the Henry Hudson county jail's cells. None of the NYC jails would accept them because…Max and Leo gave inmates _ideas. Ideas of escaping. _

"LET ME OUT!"

You guessed it. Leo wasn't able to take his blanket into the cell.

"I CAN'T GO BACK IN THE DARK! **HELP ME! I NEED TO GET OUT!**"

Max had enough. "Shut up!" he yelled. "I promised you, already. You will not go to Sing-Sing again."

Leo started feeling the walls around him. "How can you say Sing-Sing isn't better than NEW JERSEY? Are you crazed? Sing-Sing was clean! There were bigger rooms! You KNOW I'm claustrophobic!"

"The rooms are the SAME size! Now, shut up and lay down."

Leo obeyed, but he kept muttering the same thing to himself. "We'll get the electric chair… We'll get the electric chair…"

Max monitored him closely. Meanwhile, he had to take care of the hordes of inmates who wanted to be in the new production of _Prisoners of Love_...which Max and Leo never planned. I know what you're wondering. Why would convicts be out of their cells? Cops just didn't care. It was the 50s.

"And now, a dance!" said one of the singing prisoners. "Second Act, Scene Eleven!"

"We do NOT need-!"

"Positions!"

The group broke into the finale dance of the show. "Pris'ners of love, blue skies above. Can't keep our hearts in jail!"

Leo started screaming again. "BUT THEY CAN KEEP YOUR BODIES, SO WHAT'S THE POINT?"

"LIE DOWN!" Max screamed back. "NOBODY'S TALKING TO YOU!"

"Pris'ners of love, our Turtle-dove, soon comin' 'round with baaaaaaiiiiiiiilllllll!"

"MAKE THE VOICES STOP!"

"ARE THERE ANY COPS OUT THERE? ANYONE!"

"You can lock us up and lose the key, but hearts in love are always freeeeeee…!"

"I WANT IT BACK!"

"You people need to go home!"

"Pris'ners of love, blue skies above-!"

"I WANT IT NOW!"

"LEAVE!"

" 'Cause we're still pris'ners-!"

"GOD KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING TO IT!"

"GET OUTTA HERE!"

"We're STILL pris'ners-!

"WHY LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE?"

"PEOPLE? ANYONE?"

"We're still pris'ners of LOOOOOVE…!"

Leo fainted. Max saw him and called for medical help. When the others saw the woman come, they ran back into their cells and locked them. Cops just didn't care. The woman, one with blonde hair and a nurse's outfit came into Max and Leo's cell. "Guess who!" she whispered as she entered the door.

Max was shocked. "Ulla?"

"Quiet," she whispered. "vright now, I'm Diana Rosemary Carrietta Mistoffolees."

"What are you doing here?"

"Trying to help you idiots."

"Why a nurse?"

"Because I knew _he _vould faint. CPR time! I don't even need to do chest compressions. Vatch, and learn."

She went on the floor, and started doing something to Leo's mouth. It was hard to tell if it was actual CPR or kissing…

It didn't matter. It revived Leo, and he had no idea where he was or why Ulla was there. Max had to explain everything.

"…so, you blacked out, again, and she came to perform CPR."

Ulla remembered why she came to New Jersey in the first place. "Okay, boys. Enough jitter-jatter. Vhere's the she-devil that put you in here? I have something I need to zay to her."

No one knew where she was. "Probably in New York," said Leo. "with Franz or whoever."

"In New York…" repeated Ulla. "Vell, it's zix. End of my zhift. I'll find out what I can."

She left a large contraption on Leo's bed. "Zomething called a zellular hand phone. You push the buttons with the numbers and it vill call my phone at home. The Bell Company created it. Just don't let the police zee it. Bye-bye, you two."

She walked out of the cell, locked the door, and winked. Leo studied her mouth. It was probably the first time a girl in America mouthed the words "call me".

Max studied the…the thingamajig. Cellular hand phone? What did it mean? "It's a bomb!" he exclaimed. "Some kind of suicidal, radical, spy-thingy weaponizing bomb. For suicidal, radical spies!"

Leo was surprisingly calm. "Shhh," he started, as if anyone was listening to them. Cops just didn't care. "It isn't a bomb for radical spies. Whatever this thing is, we need to use it to get out of here. We are going to keep our mouths shut about this, and-"

"And toss it out the window before it explodes on us."

"It is NOT A BOMB!"

"Well, Mr. High-technical spy, what is it, then?"

"I don't know."

"It might as well be some kind of accessory we have to wear when we go into Old Sparky."

Max had mentally scarred Leo. Not forever, but he was in a trance for a pretty long time. Leo crouched down on the floor, went into a fetal position, the way he started each and every one of his panic attacks, and didn't move. It wasn't until about midnight, when he finally snapped. He walked to the iron bars of the cell, grabbed them, and started screaming. Again.

"_**LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT OF HERE! GET ME OUT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! Jesus Christ, Get me out! **__**Open this goddamn gate or I'll kick**__** your rotten heads in! MOMMY!"**_

Max, who was lying awake, stood up, started screaming with him. "My grandfather..." he started, "was a very... SICK... man."

"HELP ME! IT'S GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE WE'RE TELLING EACH OTHER STORIES!"

"So were my parents. They ended up in a mental hospice. I was alone. And the only person who understood me was Boris Tomaschevski. He told me on his deathbed, he-"

"HELP ME!"

"I never figured it out, you know, what he said…WHAT DID IT MEAN?!"

"**LET ME OUT!"**

"**SOMEONE LET US OUT!"**

Suddenly, a cop with a flashlight appeared on the other side of the iron bars. "Alvright," she started. She was a woman of average height, with fair skin and red hair. She removed her hat and started swinging her baton. "I'll give you two a choice. Vor options, vun outcome. Number vun, you can stay here, und serve your thirty veeks. Number two, you can go to Zing-Zing, und be in ze 'cleaner and bigger' rooms. Number three, I can zneak you out of here, vor all your money in ze safe, or number vor,"

She stopped swinging the stick.

"Number vor, you get ze horns of ze ram."

Leo didn't hesitate to answer. "I DON'T CARE what we have to pay! GET ME OUT!"

The woman turned to Max. "Herr Bialystock?"

"No, forget it. We'd rather go to Sing-Sing all over again than participate in your little scheme."

The woman laughed. "Hypocrite."

Leo didn't care about what Max said. "Listen," he told the woman. "You get me out of here right now, or I will rip out every organ in your body, starting with your spleen!"

She gave him a strange look. "Are you on something?"

Max answered for him. "Yes. Have you seen a blue piece of fabric anywhere?"

"Vat?"

Leo was getting worked up. "You didn't tell her the dimensions!"

"I forgot the dimensions!"

Before anyone could say anything else, the woman took the handkerchief-like cloth out of her pocket. "I give it to you, I let you out. You pay."

Leo started crying. For him, it was torture. Pure torture. God knows WHY it was torture for him…

"Please Max," he said, bawling. "I-I can't go on anymore! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME SUFFER!"

Max was silent. What could he say? He couldn't let Leo just keep missing nights of sleep. It was too much for him.

He took a breath, and let out one word:

"Fine."

The cell opened as the woman unlocked it. "Wilkommen back to ze dark side, boys!" she screeched, laughing.


	13. Chapter 13- Hilga's Secret

**Hello, fellow readers of original works of fiction!**

**Life. Is. CRAZY! School, work, more school, more work, family, projects, more work,… AAAARRRUUGHGHGHGHGHH! Oh, well. Back on the keyboard now! Happy reading!**

**Ullabloom**

"You _know _we shouldn't be doing this…"

"Shut up, we're out of that wasteland. Now open the safe, and get her money."

"Iv you expect to zee ze light ov day ever again, I suggest you listen to him, Mr. Bialystock."

"Okay, fine, you win. The money's in the armoire."

The woman smiled. "Now you're talking…"

Max crossed to the large armoire, the one filled with all the pictures of his little old ladies, opened it, and found a body. The other three in the room all screamed as they saw an old woman come out of the doors. Estonia = crazy.

"So it is true!" she screamed, almost crying. "Am I just another one of your random skanks? I thought we HAD something!"

She grabbed a picture from a shelf. "Name that bitch!" she said, pointing to a woman who looked exactly like her. Max knew how to get out of this.

"It's you," he responded, flatly.

She grabbed another. "And this one?"

"You."

Another. "And her?"

"You."

Estonia turned to the pictures. "Oh, Maxie, you're right!" she yelled, leaping into Max's arms. "They're all of me! Exactly like ME! I love you! Don't ever leave me again!"

And then she… I really don't wanna write this part… It's sort of… moving on…

Ulla came into the office, dressed as some kind of cop. "Okay, I've been receiving noise complaints coming vrom here," she yelled, wielding a gun. "So, vat's all the hubbub?"

"Burglary! Assault and BURGLARY! This woman," said Leo, indicating Estonia. "Has broken in here, destroyed our armoire, and started DOING THINGS to this man that I cannot talk about, being a Christian!"

"Alvright, whoever you are," said Ulla, as she handcuffed Estonia. "You're coming down vith Sergeants Otto and Adolph to the station."

Suddenly, two of Franz Liebkind's birds appeared in the doorway, and, almost without any effort, made the old woman come with them.

Very persuading birds.

She knew something. Ulla closed the door, locked it, and sat at her desk. "Alright, azholes, I vant an explanation."

She turned to Hilga. "You!" she said, getting out of her chair. "Doing this to innozent people! I should have killed you when…when-!"

She screamed and ran towards her. "You slut! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Leo held her back. He kept her hands behind her. She continued screaming. "I'LL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!"

Hilga stayed calm. "Go ahead and kill me. My bruder can collect…"

"Your brother," continued Ulla. "is behind bars. For illegally 'vorshiping der Fuher'. And falsely claiming he had nothing to do vith the var. you can join him if you vant."

"Vill I be staying vith my aunt Carlotta or my uncle Adelbrecht? You don't intimidate me! I am not scared! You vanna get rid of me, hoer, you need to vight!"

* * *

Ulla won. In less than two minutes, Hilga was in a chair, blindfolded and hands tied up.

"And that's yust vun of the things I have learned from Grandmuther Svetlana! Vor your invormation, I know everything about you, Eva! One more vord out ov you, I tell the police. Understand?"

Hilga didn't move.

"ARE VE CLEAR?!"

She nodded.

Ulla pulled a small bag out of one of her pockets. It included all of Hilga's personal records. She was hiding something…something that, if told to another soul, could get her killed.

What was the secret? She was Eva H*****

They brought her down to a nearby police station. And then, things got interesting.

I mean that in the worst possible way.


	14. Chapter 14- Back in the Big House

**OMIGOD IT'S YOU! I'm BAAAACCCCKKKKK!**

**Welcome back, readers! Sorry about being gone for like…forever! Now that school's out, I'm getting back to my writing. Sorry again about the whole hiatus! =) Happy reading!**

**Ullabloom**

"DON'T TAKE US AWAY! PLEASE!"

"Just SHUT the hell up!"

They were at it again. They being them. Them being the happy couple. They were screaming at each other from across each other's halls.

"This is all your vault!"

"My fault? You're the one who went all…all cop person-like!"

'I'm also the one who found out who she vas married to!"

"Shut up!"

"Go die in a hole!"

She looked at Max. "Maxie, darling…" she started. "Who's fault do you think it is. Vat do you say?"

Max turned into a puddle of mixed emotions. He didn't know what to think…

"Um…I say…I say it's midnight and we should all stop arguing- and go to sleep- before things turn violent. Unless you want to be broken-legged zombies for your trial…"

Ulla approached him…well…she approached the bars. "See here, son of a bitch. For the umpteenth time, there vill be no trial because ve vere not harboring a fugitive."

"According to the cops, we were!"

"Well how were we supposed to know she was Hitler's wife?!"

"YOU knew."

"We're all in this together, so just play along!"

For the first time in his life, Max couldn't play along. He wanted to do what was RIGHT. He was done taking sides. "I say that it is ALL our faults, and that we should all just keep QUIET for the rest of the night."

"How about YOU keep quiet."

"You're the one who asked me a question!"

"Just keep quiet NOW!"

Max was a weak man.

The next morning, Ulla was trying to devise a plan. "We need to vind a way to either run vor it during the trial, or get out of the cell NOW." She looked around. "No windows…anywhere."

Leo was getting mad. "It's a JAIL CELL, genius!"

Ulla gasped. "Omigod. Vy did I not think of this sooner?!"

Out of her pocket, she took out a tube of lipstick. Red. And applied it…to her palms. She grabbed two of the top steel bars and pulled in opposite directions.

The rest is self explanatory.

"Since WHEN could you do that?!" Leo asked.

Ulla smiled. "Television!"

"Of course."

"You better hold on to her…" Max whispered to Leo. "That's a full-service woman you got there."

They turned to her, and she was holding a book. She slithred out of her cell and did…whatever she did…to their bars. "Squeeze yourselves out.

Max was confused. "What in God's name are you gonna do with a book?"

"It's not yust ANY book! It's Ulysses! You'll see." Ulla replied. "I have a plan."

It didn't work.


End file.
